Good Gnus Bad Gnus Fake Gnus

Interview with a Merman
By Good Gnus Bad Gnus Fake Gnus  Oct. 7, 2017

After hearing reports of mermaid sightings, on both the Atlantic and Pacific coasts of the United States, Good Gnus Bad Gnus Fake Gnus scoured the eastern and western seaboards. Finally, after weeks and much toil, one of our team members located a merman on a small beach on northern California's rugged coast. The precarious climb down the rocky cliff was well worth the effort, and we proudly present to you the interview that took place with Ariel the merman.

Interviewer: It’s not every day that I have the opportunity to speak with a merman.

Ariel: Oh, why’s that?

Interviewer: Because mermaids and mermen are very seclusive.

Ariel: What are you talking about? I come to this beach almost every day.

Interviewer: Well, it’s hardly accessible.

Ariel: Are you daft man? The ocean is right there. [points]

Interviewer: Yes, of course. I would like to ask you about your name.

Ariel: I've told you my name earlier. Have you forgotten already?

Interviewer: No, I haven’t. Are you aware that Ariel is a feminine name?

Ariel: What! Ariel was my grandfather’s name as it is mine! [flaps tail repeatedly against the sand]

Interviewer: The reason why I asked is because we have stories of a mermaid named Ariel—

Ariel: Listen carefully! I came here for some sun, not to be insulted. I don’t care what stories you have, they’re wrong. The feminine of Ariel is Ariela. [grunts]

Interviewer: May I ask where you were born?

Ariel: [points] In the ocean!

Interviewer: Yes, but which ocean?

Ariel: Poseidon’s beard! There’s only one! [mumbles]

Interviewer: Perhaps I’ll change the subject.

Ariel: Please do.

Interviewer: There have been a rash of pregnant mermaid sightings. Would you care to comment?

Ariel: [chuckles] Did you expect me to kiss and tell?

Interviewer: Well… No. But they number in the hundreds.

Ariel: Lad, haven’t you ever heard? There are plenty of fish in the sea. [winks]

Interviewer: Right. Exactly how many merfolk are there?

Ariel: [sighs] Do you have any idea how big the ocean is?

Interviewer: I—

Ariel: Stop. I’ll answer for you. It’s big, very big and I’m certainly not about to take out the time to count every one. [reaches into a net-like bag] [pulls out a bottle of beer] [opens it]

  

Interviewer: You drink… beer?

Ariel: [laughs] How do you think I got this belly, too many sardines?

Interviewer: But where did you get it?

Ariel: If I tell you then everyone else will know. [winks]

Interviewer: Seriously.

Ariel: I got a guy.

Interviewer: Do you drink often?

Ariel: Like a fish.

Interviewer: Humans have many legends about merfolk and a good amount concerning mermen.

Ariel: Why am I not surprised? [drinks] [belches]

Interviewer: Mermen come from the sea and rivers, habitually seducing human women and impregnating them.

Ariel: Aren’t you forgetting the part about luring and attracting them with our enchantingly beautiful singing voices?

Interviewer: Oh, yes, thank you.

Ariel: Think about what you just said. It would be impossible! Those stories don’t hold any water.  I mean [pauses] look at me! I’m a fish out of the water!

Interviewer: And the folklore surrounding the sinking of ships?

Ariel: You should have seen the one that got away this morning. It was this big. [spreads his hands apart]

Interviewer: This is beginning to sound like a fish story.

Ariel: You’re catching on, lad, you’re catching on. I’d really love to chat some more, but the tide is coming in and I have to go. [splashes into the ocean] [swims away]

©2017 GoodGnusBadGnusFakeGnus

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